Feelings

Airports are the best place to meet with an old ghost of ours. While you're hugging there is plenty of people surrounding you not caring whether you're hugging your brother, your friend, your father or even your ex boyfriend. It just fits, it feels right, it is the right place for people to meet.

I can't say how happy I am for my meeting to be there. Not drunk in a club like it was more likeable to happen. However, I guess this relationship -it still counts as a relationship even though it is not a formal one- is meant to happen bookishly. Everything could be part of a fairy tale, locations, situations, problems, solutions... I suppose I should be used to it, but I'm not.

I don't know how I feel today. It is just weird. I had the most useful talk with one of my boy friends. He said it is normal to feel this way. This is not a resurrection of love, it's just a normal feeling when you see someone you actually cared about after a long long time.

I do stalk him a little. I guess that is just normal too. I am not as concerned as I was a couple of days ago, though. I just think I should let things be, let them happen. Come what may, at least I know we can have this cordial relationship for now. I am pretty sure what hurt me was the idea of him not caring for me, not even caring for what we have been through, for him to have this terrible idea of our relationship, which wasn't perfect, obviously, but I still see the bright side of it and I would love it if he could see it as well instead of just pointing out everything we both did wrong.

I am in this stand-by place. I sort of feel nothing, but I care about him and I know something will change. It has to. I can't be in this place forever. I just can't.

I will know it tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day.

Goodnight.

Something I need to say to a special someone

I know you probably don't feel the same way about me like you used to. And I'm not saying I do but I did feel something when I saw you after all this time. Something inside me moved and clicked. Something that had been closed for a very long time opened, something changed.

When we hugged I couldn't think of anything. I didn't. I just felt. And when you say those terrible words about our past relationship, it just breaks my heart.

I know I haven't been perfect and I am not saying that I will. But somehow I need you. I need your approval and maybe I even need you to feel something. A sparkle, a hint, something.

I can't believe I'm still on this page after all but I'm guessing some things can't be kept away from us, we have to suffer them to make sure we can let them go. Or cherish them and stick to them until the end.

I feel like I'm living this situation once again. Déjavu? Maybe.

We are together. We stop being together cos I know, for sure, that it can't be. He meets a girl. I'm jealous. He's hesitating. I'm waiting. He's with her. I'm obsessing. It doesn't work out. He's back. I'm hurt. He tries. I'm too proud. Time goes by. We are together. We stop being together cos I know...

I can't believe I'm in this situation. AGAIN. Maybe it's time to break this vicious circle. Maybe I'm just hurt and jealous and too proud. But I cannot deal with this anymore. Now, I'm tired.

Yesterday talking with one of the nicest guys I've ever been with, I realised how fucked up is the feeling of not wanting to be alone. So what? You just hang out with someone you know for sure you will never fall in love with? Just to feel like you have someone to rely on?

It is quite sad, actually. And I am sure that we have all felt this way. But I say: NO. Let's stop this. At least I am, I am stopping this need to be with someone when I actually have the best I can have. My very beloved friends, they are my sweethearts and the apple of my eye. 

New situation. It's not that I hadn't been here before, it's just that's been so long since I last felt this way.

I have no man I'm actually interested in. Just boys that I feel ok with, nothing sexually or whatsoever going on. Weirdest thing? I'm actually fine with it. I may be tired of non-sense relationships. I have too many expectations in the future to be wasting my time with any dummies over here.

Besides, I believe this can mean something good to me. No men for a while. Let's see how this works out. I'm becoming more demaning as I grow up.

"Ain't nobody got time for that."

Not that anything is bad, but I just felt like I had to say this:

Once you've discovered that guys aren't the sweetest thing on earth -no big deal, we all know that-, then they make their best to prove that not only have they become that but also the incarnation of 'dimness'.

Let me tell you somehing: RUN AWAY. Worst cancer ever. It is contagious.

Oh, my! I just love when I dont type here, means I'm living my life instead of writing about it.

Everything feels perfectly fine right now!!

I should catch up on my final essay, though.

There's this saying: Everything happens for a reason. And apparently this is true. You meet some people over other one just because you chose to go to that bar or restaurant over an other, or because you did something you never used to because someone's hurt you.

I'm not being a fool or putting too many efforts or expectations over this, but I gotta admit it just feels good to be back; it feels good to have what you used to have a long time ago. I am happy with me being single, I am happy with me being on my own -from a love point of view speaking- cos I've got what is most valuable in life: goals, friends and family. And the latter two give me the love I need right now.

Sometimes it may sound like a loser always talking about love blah blah blah. One could think get over it. However, I haven't forsaken love I still believe it's possible and although I'm not looking for it right now and don't have any intention of getting involved with anyone, I believe it is something I will have to do eventually.

It will probably be in another country, though. There's too much to be lived.

"Charlotte's moved on, Miranda's moved on. Even SAMANTHA's moved on!"

You know, there're other ways of moving on. And this one won't be my particular own way. There'll be other. Plenty.

I am positive.

So this week abroad has allowed me to think and I genuinely believe that my actions depend too much on my mood. I have almost responded to his message just because I didn't have anything else to do. It has taken an American to save me from what could have been the Third World War.

The great news is that I struggled once and I won't have to get rid of it ever again.

Here's a thought: when you break up or fall apart with someone you may be angry or sad or disappointed, but when time goes by you forget all that stuff and just remember the good things. So my point is, is this a good thing or a bad one? Are we slaves of our minds? Because, honestly, sometimes it may be a good thing to just forget what happened if it was some kind of stupid thing... but what happens when is not a stupid thing? You forget and forgive based on a matter of time? That may be the reason why couples try it again but, at the end of the day, the trouble's still out there. Somewhere.

Here's another thought: if what I want is someone to keep me company, can't I just do that with a friend (even a boy friend) and try to make things clear or will it just be even more complicated than it is now?

Five boys in a row, in five days. Is that considered a good or a creepy thing? I may have to reconsider my actions and therefore, my meetings...

I've had a good week. Ignoring the material issues it has been pretty good. I've got to meet many of my friends, I had substantial conversation with people overseas, and then I got some thinking. And I realised how fucked up is the fact that we become strangers with our exes. Isn't that just really weird? People you used to talk to, people you used to know everything about, people you used to see, share experiences, be together, kiss, make love... and when a relationship ends... poof! It all vanishes, goes away and you just get to see what everybody else sees. A person. A person you don't know anymore anything about. No conversations, no meetings, no being together, no kisses, no nothing. And this is just the way it goes: easy come easy go.


I don't even miss him. I think I just miss IT. The fact of having someone you can actually rely on, the fact of having that special someone to tell them everything about horrendous or fantastic day, the fact of maybe, just maybe, even being a "we". Perhaps I'm getting old (well that is a certain fact), but I'm over those crazy nights with random boys, I want something real. I wanted something real, so it might be why I rushed things and became a girlfriend so abruptly.

I am home alone on the night I was supposed to be with my so-called boyfriend to watch a match.

Is it true that we cause ourselves more pain than third parties? Maybe we do like pain and experimenting it makes us feel alive.

Though, I am done with it. Thinking, looking, stalking, following... OVER. I said I was good, and I meant it. I said I realised it was a good idea for us not to be together, and I meant it. I said I thought couples should face the problems together, and I meant it. So if it's fair enough, I'll just get over it.

'Cause my friends are right, life's too short to be sad for a guy that it's just not worth it. I need to go out, take some fresh air, enjoy life as a single girl, be with my friends and decide what I want to do with my life with no one to tell me or force or influence me whatsoever.

I am lucky enough to have people, family, friends, boys that LOVE me. People who is willing to spend their time, their days, their nights with me and just because one single person that isn't even mature or has an stable mind doesn't I CAN'T be down.

And so I am not. I am a new girl, a girl that learns from her mistakes, a girl that realises how lucky she is and a girl who is longing for a new tomorrow to begin and meet new people, new places, new traditions, new friends and, eventually, a new girl that will be ready for a new love.

And that girl is now me.

So apparently I'm pretty good at this. I am a very nice person, he likes me a lot but it doesn't feel right. And therefore the right thing to do is to give up.

There is something in my stomach. But I'm sure I'll be fine pretty soon. 3 weeks. Let's hope sex and city were right.

Let's see how good I am at this.

Bet is on.

I'm feeling like I'm in this weird state of mind. I want it. I really do. But it scares me. It scares me how they would react. Or how they probably will.

It's like everything's so delicate I have to make sure everything's fine or it'll just break into pieces.

This is definitely not how a relationship is supposed to work, is it? But for the first time in my life I'm the one who's running after them. I'm the one who's struggling to make it happen, to make it real. For the first in my life I'm scared of being dumped.

I cannot live like this. But the truth is that I cannot live in any other way right now. It's killing me, it's poisioning me but I need it. I need it to breath, I need to be happy. Happy? Fake-happy? Who knows...

I need you.

Have you ever been in a relationship feeling the other person's not that into you? Why don't they just give up?

I used to be the person who wasn't that into them. However, I feel like I'm the one who's giving more and hoping more out of this relationship.

If someone's not willing to wait for the person they are with, does this mean that they don't give a fuck about them?

Is it weird or inapropriate that I feel they were looking for an excuse to dump me and now that they don't have it anymore they're angry?

Am I willing to lower myself for something I don't feel has a future?

Is it normal that when I'm with them everything's alright but when we're not I feel left out?

Too many questions for just a 2-week relationship. Isn't that a bad sign?

Relationships are supposed to go both ways. You give in, I give in. I am very bad at this, I admit it. I am not perfect. But maybe the other person isn't perfect either. I try hard to understand what is going on in the other person's mind, and I would really appreciate it if they could do the same.

I just need to be listened and feel like they care. Discuss about things and make a final conclusion that satisfies both of us. I DO believe it's possible. Why being in a relationship if not?

What if dreams do come true? It's been a while since I'd felt this way.

Once upon a time, a little girl used to draw red hearts in her notebooks. Dreaming about that pretty boy she fancied in school. When i look back on those days I feel taken in. I've learnt that love, when it burst into pieces, it becomes anger and pain.

So there's only one thing left you can do. Move on.